I'm looking for love this time. Sounding hopeful but it's making me cry - J.Mraz

I thought about these.

Why am I the one initiating a break up and nursing more sadness & hurt in the end?
Why am I the one initiating a phone call, a trash things out and still got not much that I hope for in the end?

Why am I the one who kinda had a crush first and find myself having the need to reject the love that I hoped for?
Why am I rejecting and yet feel bad and painful over it?

Why am I so stupid?

See...I am going to go plain honest now so no more alphabet soup. You like to read, you read. You do not want to hear the names, skip.

I was sore disappointed with the phone conversation I had with Jason on Saturday.
I dialed his number hoping for a good 5 minutes conversation and I forgot how long we were on the phone but there is NO conversation flow at all.

Then I realised after the break up, I am the one who always punch the numbers first.
Why?

Sure, I am not in a position to expect him to dial my number so I am not exactly unhappy over that. But the zero conversation flow is a big kick to my stomach.

What is that all about? Do we have nothing at all to talk to each other?
No, this is not how I like and want it. This is not healthy at all.

On the other hand, Ming is, more often than not, the one calling me on his own. It could be in the morning, lunch, after work or just random. Not everyday but quite often.

Jason, you do not know what you are missing out on when you made the excuse that you are not a phone person. Cos' you do not know the effect of daily conversation. It can bond 2 persons faster than you realised.
That is what you missed out on us cos' you would rather spend your time working away. Even without working, you won't think of calling me just for a good 5 minutes.

Of cos' the conversations between Ming & me is not exciting everytime but that's not the point here,is it?

So why do I find myself always feeling the need to stop Ming's advances? Why am I always trying to talk him outta it and feel exasperated yet amuse when he dismissed my idea?
Why am I always scare and worried that I would hurt him one day if I returned to Jason?
WHY am I thinking and hoping that Jason & I would be back,just like that?

I am not going to play nanny here again. This is so fucking a waste of my time and emotions for nothing.

First thing first,I have to stop thinking that Jason wants us back. He seems to lead a good time now anyway, not that I am not. But I do not see alot of efforts anyway.
Of cos' I am not disregarding everything that he did, in the past or now.
I was over the moon when I heard he asked me to go to J.Mraz's concert with him. I was so happy not because of it's J.Mraz's concert but because he asked me to go.

Second thing,I do not have to reject Ming altogether. Sure he can tell me that he likes me now but then?

I am not going to expect anything and feel stuck between these 2 BOYS!

Romantically, Ming can gives me what I want. Stability, Jason.
But then none of them are really doing anything that moves me?
So why am I feeling responsible anyway? I figured that I am thinking too much for the goodness of them, worrying that any step I take would hurt either one so badly.

What for? If Jason doesn't find the effort of communication vital, I am not forcing on him either. If I can't talk Ming outta it, so be it.

I am moving on. I do not want to stay here and in the end, I have nothing to fend myself.

You like me, you love me? Do something about it?

Ming asked just now (be in jokingly or not) that what can he do to make me change my mind? (Change my mind and accept him?)
I said,"Show me a reason."
That boy may be too young and then too Saggitariusy to understand that but I am not going to waste time. Bah!

Show me a reason. Show me some actions.
I am not going to sit here and wait my time away while you are happily living your life away.

I am moving onwards and catch my attention,if you can.

Who knows....This time, I may really find someone worth's my time. =)
I am not being boastful but I really think sometimes, that I am not a bad girlfriend material.

It's not easy to move my heart and enter my doors.
So?
Take on me or leave it.

"I'm looking for love this time. Sounding hopeful but it's making me cry."